trepidatio

Twice he tried to held my hands, twice I said no, once he asked me if he had kissed me and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend I would have said yes and again I said no, big fat no actually.
Now I keep picturing him trying to kiss me, don't know why, yet he makes me feel safe and cared. After all he was the only person that told me who I really was and not what I want others to think I am and I admire him for that.
Some of my second guessing about my boyfriend have to due with him, not in the way you're probably thinking, only because he's the only one that doesn't paint the situation like a paradise and aware me of the dark side of the situation, for example when I asked him if he thought me and my boyfriend had chances he said "probably no, it's hard enough for couples who live in the same place and you two are trying a long distance relationship. Sorry" all could think in that moment was "He's fucking right...." but I decided to take a chance and now here I am, having an existential crisis every two weeks at least (giggles).
Maybe that's what makes him such a great friend, not being afraid of the things and leaving the euphemisms behind, because life's too short for that.
I'm afraid, not of him, of everything.